The Empty Desk

I had no idea an empty desk could have that much power over me. Just looking at it made me cry my eyes out the other day....and again the next day. Even now as I write this, I'm getting a little teary-eyed.


Parker, my second-oldest son left for college this week. And of course that involved cleaning off the desk in his bedroom. Mind you, in the past few years that desk has been the cause of much anxiety on my part. When I would walk into the bedroom Parker shared with his younger brother Alex, the mess (that's putting it nicely) that was all over the desk made me want to run from the room screaming. School books, notebooks, candy from his Christmas stocking (in March); candy from Valentine's Day (in May); candy from Easter (in July), a T-shirt and pajama pants flung over the back or arm of the desk chair, high school dance pictures, dried up boutonnieres from said dances, and other miscellaneous mementos all combined to make me grit my teeth and tell myself, "This (messy stage) too shall pass."


Well, it did. Much too quickly, I'm afraid. Parker has flown the coop on to the next stage in his life as a freshman at Brigham Young University.


Earlier in the week, I sat on the bunk bed in Parker's room and watched him pack up his clothes, unloading his dresser a drawer at a time. I watched as he put Sunday shoes, running shoes, everyday shoes, flip flops and moccasins into a suitcase. I watched as he packed his T-shirts, shorts, jeans, underwear and socks. I watched as he flung unwanted items off to the side. I was calm and cool through this whole ordeal. Yeah, yeah, I've seen him pack a suitcase before.


Later that evening, I was on an extended phone call with my oldest son Nate who was driving home from a summer internship in Chicago. After I got off the phone, I came into the family room and found Parker and my husband looking at a campus map, figuring out the locations of Parker's classes. I asked if he was all done packing, as we were planning to leave the next morning to drive to BYU. He said he was.


"Great," I thought, telling Alex it was time for bed.


As Alex and I walked into the room, the bareness of it all literally took my breath away. I looked at the desk. Everything, I mean EVERYTHING was gone. It hadn't been that clean since the first day we brought it into the room. During all those messy years, I thought the sight of a clean desk would make me happy.


I was wrong.


Instead,  it made me cry uncontrollably, which in turn (sorry, Alex) made Alex cry, too. I'm not sure he even knew what I was crying about at first. Through my sobs, I finally gurgled out,...."It's......ssssssssoooo......bbbbbbare......in here.....Everything.....iiiiissss.....gggone..."


I had a big ugly cry for a few minutes, dried Alex's tears, kissed him goodnight and headed back upstairs to the family room. Derek and Parker looked puzzled as they heard me enter the room sniffling and wiping my eyes.


"Mom, what's wrong?" Parker asked.


"Your room is so bare," I gasped, sniffing and snorting.


"It's going to be okay, Mom," he assured me as only an 18-year-old ready to take on the world can do.


More tears came the next morning as Parker bid his siblings farewell. Mallory sobbed unashamedly. Alex tried to put on his brave face, but as soon as he turned his back to Parker to head out the door to school, he broke down.


Derek and I headed to Provo with Parker and spent the day helping him unpack, buy his books, get his activity card, eat lunch and scout out the location of each of his classes. Derek and I love spending time at BYU, our alma mater, so that part of the day was great. It was all great until it was time to go home and it hit me that yes, we were going to be leaving Parker there.


Gulp.


We did this four years ago when we dropped Nate off at college. In some ways it was harder this time because I knew what it would feel like to hug my baby goodbye and then leave him there. By the way, I've come to the conclusion that they really do let babies in college these days. Seriously, those students are WAY younger than they used to be!


The time to part came. Derek hugged Parker. Parker hugged me. I didn't want to let go. Yes, his college is only an hour away from our home, but still....it's not the distance that's hard. It's the fact that we've come to this milestone in our lives. Yes, it's something we've wanted for him his whole life. But I've found that it's one thing to dress your son in a BYU shirt when he's 3, teach him the Cougar Fight Song and tell him how great it will be one day when he goes to BYU, and completely another to feel your mommy heart being wrenched apart as you hug him and then drive away watching him wave to you as you exit the dorm parking lot.


So, I of course had to blubber and cry for much of the ride home. I did compose myself by the time we walked in the door at home. I felt blue (BYU Blue, of course) all evening, but I wasn't teary.


Then, it came time to take Alex to bed.


I flipped on the light in his bedroom. There was that evil, bare desk staring at me. Boom. I burst into tears again. So did Alex. (Sorry again, Alex). I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. 


The next day over breakfast, Alex asked, "Mom, you're not going to cry every night when you take me to bed are you?"


I told him I would try not to.


After school today, Alex made strides to become the new master of the desk. Parker's paraphernalia has been replaced with Alex's toy cars, his cool metal lock box where he keeps his favorite treasures and a few other items. It's not the same as it was when it was Parker's, but it does signal the beginning of a new era for the desk.


And for all of us.