I'm Back...maybe. :)

I had really good intentions of updating this blog more frequently last year.

Then life got in the way.

That seems to happen a lot. Must be part of living or something.

Today I looked back at my photography blog and the post I wrote and pictures I posted after Parker received his mission call 5 YEARS AGO!!

Time has flown since then. So much has happened. Many joys. Many challenges. Many tears. Many difficult hours on my knees in prayer.

I feel bad that I haven't kept up my photography blog or this blog. I guess I can't go back and change that, but I can try to be better about writing from here on out.

It's been two and a half years since my brother Lance died. Two and a half of the hardest years I ever thought I would face in this lifetime. I've struggled in many ways. I've felt abandoned and alone. I've been angry. I've been sad. I've worked so hard to pull myself out of my grief and sadness. I've worked to build my faith, to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father. To come to terms with what happened and why. It's been hard.

I went through a really difficult period where I questioned my faith. I questioned what I had always known about God and my religion. I was so angry. So sad. So unable to come to terms with my brother's suicide. I would hear of other people's miracles and wonder why God didn't give our family a miracle. Didn't we pray hard enough? Why weren't we worthy to have a miracle? Why couldn't Lance get better? I had been taught that God could do anything. Why did He choose not to let Lance get better and stay here on earth with those who love him so much? Other people got miracles. Why not me?

I began to feel that my prayers didn't matter at all. If God was just going to do what He wanted to do anyway, why did it matter if I prayed?

I struggled in many of my relationships. I withdrew from many of them. I felt like I didn't have the energy or desire to deal with anyone except those who could really understand what I was going through...and that was a tiny, tiny few.

I'm not sure exactly when things started to turn around for me...but after going through many months of feeling like I was just going through the motions, I began to feel a desire again to pray, to read my scriptures, to draw closer to my Heavenly Father. Nothing spectacular or magical happened, but I felt comfort and peace again in church, prayer and scripture study. Sometimes I still get frustrated and angry about some things, but I feel like I'm finally coming out of that deep place of grief that I was in for so long.

I still miss my brother terribly. Some days, weeks and months are definitely harder than others. There is an empty place in my heart that will never be filled until I see him again.

And honestly I haven't reached the point where I can say I wouldn't trade this trial for anything. I truly still wish Lance was here. Not sure I can ever be grateful that he's not.

But hopefully through all this I have learned something more about the process of grief, the importance of compassion and how important it is to mourn with those that mourn.

-M.E.